I'm going to be completely honest with you guys...lately I've had some major fear issues arise. It almost seems like out of nowhere they began (although judging from how deep the fear roots are they began a long time ago). Probably about a year ago - when it really started to hit me that I was pregnant and we would be parents soon.
Parents.
A mom and dad.
Responsible for raising a tiny, helpless person.
This would (or should) spark a bit of fear in anyone becoming a first-time parent. I don't care how "ready" you may feel or how many books you've read on the subject. Nothing can prepare you for being handed that tiny little human and feeling utterly overwhelmed. Nothing compares to it - it is the best and scariest experience I've ever gone through.
And then you move beyond that. You move beyond the "experience" and get into the nitty gritty of real life with a baby. A wonderful thing happens as you sort through your post-partum emotions, your sleep deprived thoughts and your complete lack of confidence in yourself. You become a parent. You learn more and more about your child and what they need. Sure, every baby needs the same things right off the bat...they need to be fed, clothed, nurtured, etc...but HOW that happens is entirely unique to your baby. It's a HUGE learning curve and as soon as you've got it sorta kinda "figured out" something new happens like a growth spurt or their first fever and suddenly the learning begins all over again. You start asking "am I doing this right?" and "what if I totally screw this up and my kid is ruined forever?"
It's beautiful. It's scary (how many times have I said that already?) It's a wonderful journey. And every baby and set of parents has a unique journey and story. One that God has written especially for them for His glory.
I'd like to say I
knew know all of this already. But lately I've struggled with keeping this perspective.
Our little guy will be 8 months old next week.
*Insert all the emotional "he's getting so big" and "where is the time going?" sentiments here*
This has been a big month for him. He's doing so well at so many things. There are things he's doing now that he wasn't even close to doing 2 weeks ago. It really is amazing to watch him learn new things. He's reaching lots of milestones and is such a joy to us.
And yet comparison is always there. The need to "rank" his development against other babies his age and even the ones who are younger/older than him. Ugh. Something about typing it out in black and white makes me want to crawl into a hole of self-pity or to rise up indignantly and say "I do NOT do that!"
But there it is. I fight comparison. I worry. I stress. I overanalyze. I google things WAY too much. And the root of all of this is fear.
I'm not sure if it's because suddenly I'm more aware that he's closer to being a year old than being a newborn. Or if it's because I'm more aware of the developmental milestones he "should" be reaching by now. But regardless of the reason - I often get to the end of my day and realize that I spent more time "pushing" Josh to get to the "next" thing that I've missed a day of just enjoying where he is at right now. Or I spend so much time practicing something he's "behind" in or hasn't done yet that by the end of the day I am so exhausted and feel like a huge failure, and trust me that's NOT what your husband wants to come home to!
Can't any of you moms relate? Do you find yourself asking questions like "am I doing this right?" and "how come so-and-so's kid seems to be so much farther along than mine? What am I doing wrong?" I've asked all of these and more in just the past week.
I'm writing about this because I simply want to share what God is teaching me in the midst of my super paranoid first-time mom syndrom-ness (that's a word right?)
God does NOT compare. It's a simple truth. But so often I lose sight of the "simple" that is God's character. I think at times as Christians we can focus so much on the deep theological mysteries (and believe me...those are GREAT!) that we tend to forget the simple things.
God isn't sitting up in heaven keeping tally marks on all of us. He's not looking at my development as a Christian and comparing it to someone else's. Why? Because the story he's written for me is unique, different and cannot be compared to anyone else's.
And my son has a story too. Part of that story includes me being his mama. And while his basic needs are similar to other kids (needing to be fed, clothes, nurtured, etc...) his story is SO much more than that. God has amazing plans for this little boy, and by being trapped by comparison I am robbing myself and him of the joy that these early days hold.
So today, as I've been fighting comparison yet again, I've tried to remind myself that nothing about Josh's life is random or by chance. God has been there to remind me that he doesn't compare me to anyone else when I am slow to learn the same lesson for the thousandth time.
When my son turns 8 months old next week I can only pray that my first reaction isn't to run to my books and check the milestones chart and see if he's doing all the "right" things. I hope instead my response is one of gratitude, awe and humility as I look at how far he has come and anticipate the rest of his unique story.
